The first day we seen our counselor, he gave us a packet to read together called "Coping with Grief." It explains to you what grief is, that not all people grieve the same way and to NEVER compare yourself to someone else, and then it goes into reactions. The entire list of emotions defined me. I felt like some how someone had gotten into my head and wrote down exactly how I was feeling. I was taken back by how this list nailed what I was feeling: Sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness, shock, yearning for Emma, numbness. While I was drowning, a week after it happened, I felt like everyone was swimming to the top breathing, splashing each other, laughing and having fun. I absolutely hated myself. I hated myself for not being able to hold Emma in my tummy any longer. For not being able to give my husband the best gift of life like I was supposed to. For doing all the bad things in my pregnancy instead of focusing on being healthy. I drank caffeine daily, I never exercised, I didn't gain a pound like I was supposed to. What kind of mother was I being? I felt like the worst parent in the world.
After so many sessions with the counselor, you learn that it is okay to feel this way. Your thoughts are normal. Your feelings are normal. The reason it felt like someone was in my head was because someone has been in the same situation as me. They may have handled it differently, experienced grief differently, but in the end, when that roller coaster came to a stop, we are ALL THE SAME!
When Tim went back to work, I felt so betrayed. I felt like I was here alone, dealing with the death of our daughter by myself. But he wasn't doing it to hurt me. He had to get back to work at some point and the distraction was a blessing. Tim was here for me through it all. Through my yelling, screaming, kicking, punching, attitude, you name it, God Bless him because I went through it all and sometimes within a matter of seconds. I am still grieving, but in order to live life again, you have to take it day by day.
At one point, I was so pissed off at the world, I was ready to jump ship and run away. First, our plumbing stopped working in the house. Next, we lost Emma for absolutely no reason. Then my car window got bashed in. What is next? How much can one person take before they absolutely can't handle it anymore. I wanted to give up. Throw my hands in the air (haha yes part of a song) and give up! But when Tim said we would try again this year, it gave me all kinds of hope. I want my Rainbow baby. I want our second baby. I want to give Tim a gift of life.
Never will I stop grieving for my daughter. I recently joined three Facebook groups to help me through this tough situation. Not only do the groups help, but they give you hope. The light after the dark. I was talking to a friend one night and she told me how this had happened to someone she knew as well. She told me to go friend her and that is exactly what I did. I talked to her and she had lost her baby girl the week after us. She started a fundraiser for her daughter to buy items in her memory. That got me thinking, I started one for Emma too.
http://www.gofundme.com/a6qjz0
So far, we have raised enough money to get everything we've wanted, but we still want to buy more. We want her surrounding us. Never to be forgotten. My grieving process will never be over. Emma made me a mother, she made Tim a father. We will always be her parents. We will meet again someday and it will be absolutely amazing to hold her once more.Item #1
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