Life truly works in mysterious ways. There are sad days, happy days, mad days, but in the end, were still living right? The whole situation with Emma killed something inside of me. It completely and utterly destroyed me. I have heard about people losing a baby but you never ever think it could happen to you. That right there is a huge awakening to life. It changes your outlook. It makes you more aware. I feel like I have been sleeping these past years until 1. Tim came into my life and 2. Emma Elizabeth Bradley was born. I feel like a breath of fresh air has come into my life. It is truly sad that it takes such an event to occur in your life for you to finally get it, to finally grasp life.
All my life I have struggled with my weight. Every year I would gain at least 10 pounds. I just stopped caring. I stopped caring what society thought of me, I stopped caring what I thought of myself. But then I got pregnant. Being a plus size person while pregnant is truly excruciating. It is painful, it is not really attractive. Watching the scale climb because for once you are SUPPOSED to gain weight. With Emma I had trouble gaining weight because my morning sickness was so bad. Before I could gain my required 20-30 pounds, we lost Emma. I never got a chance to enjoy my pregnancy, to feel beautiful, to "glow" as everyone said. I felt bad. I kept drinking pop while pregnant and you aren't supposed to. I ate fast food and snacked on hot things and fattening things.
Time to change!!!!
I refuse to be this unhealthy anymore. I refuse. I want to be sexy for my husband (sorry if that is TMI). I want to be healthy and feel good about myself. I want to lose weight. I want to eat right and drink nothing but water. I want to be smart when we get pregnant again. No more fast food, no more over eating, no more starving myself, no more sugary foods. I say NO MORE!!!
I refuse to go back to the way I was. This past month has been nothing but amazing. I have more energy. I am much happier with myself. I actually wear shorts! I hate the way my legs look, I hate my arms, I hate my flabby stomach. But working out is something no one can take away. YOU are the only one who can change yourself. To become fit. To lose those pounds. You are the only one who can boost your confidence. Get up and go.
My next pregnancy will be amazing, better, healthier. I may still be heavy but knowing I am eating right and drinking all the water in the world will make me feel so much better. I am doing this for me. For our future baby, for our marriage and for my husband. He deserves a healthy wife, a fit wife. But our baby deserves a chance, deserves nothing but the best.
