As this year comes to an end...

As this year comes to an end, it is bittersweet. I am grateful for everything I was able to experience such as: more Red Wings games, Spring Break in Florida, Summer trip to Grand Haven, MI, two years with my boyfriend who turned into my Fiance. I learned from different experiences and am ready to start a new year. But as this year is coming to a close, I am depressed, depressed because the one person who mean't the most to me, outside of immediate family passed away.

As I look on the past year, I feel as if I have grown and my personality has shown more. Tim and I have had so many good things come into our life and we are forever grateful. That time together, living together, being together and learning to grow together, we got engaged! It was on November 22nd, 2013 right as we were done eating dinner. I was extremely surprised.

He makes me the happiest woman in the world. He has been patient with me through all my tough times, through my impatience and immaturity. He is the one that I have always wanted and more. I can not wait to become Mrs. Bradley Jr. :) I am so in love with him and each day just gets better and better. I went to my first Red Wings game with this guy, went to my first Spring Training for the Tigers in Florida, Experienced our first Pistons game together. So many things just make a relationship stronger. People often forget that in order to grow together, you have to continuously reconnect.

But on November 22nd, Tim and I were at the aquarium in Chicago and while we were there, I would get my last phone call from the best aunt in the world. We talked and laughed and I will never forget that. I know she was out of it because she just kept talking and talking, but it was so good to hear her voice. When the conversation came to an end, I asked if I could call her back, but she had stated that she was going to be sleeping, so not to even bother. I had sent her pictures of our engagement and this is what I received back:

She actually had the strength to text me, even though I didn't exactly understand it, it means more to me than anyone will ever know. To know that even through everything that was happening to her, she was able to make jokes with me. We had this inside joke about lime green. Back when she was buying me clothes for my sixth grade year in middle school, I found an all lime green outfit and she hated it. She bought me a lime green scarf the next year and wanted me to send it to her. Sadly, before I could, the end came.

I will always love her. She taught me morals, she taught me how to be me and make decisions for myself. We used to walk in a store, she told me to pick something but I could be there for a year because I didn't know how to decide for myself. I let my parents make all the decisions for me until I was mature enough and I thank Aunt Liz every day for coming in my life. She spoiled the hell out of me and I am forever grateful for that too. I mean this woman had Uncle Tom buy me a laptop, told me it was going to be a small Christmas, but still went out and bought me a kindle fire. That is my loving, caring, crazy aunt. I will miss you. I will miss our laughs and our struggles. I already miss you yelling at me for posting things on Facebook. I love you. I am glad you are no longer in pain and you can finally rest easy.

I am so proud of my Uncle Tom. He is one of the strongest people I know. She didn't go through it alone, he was right along side of her and never left. I am proud of him for being in Florida and being strong to go through it alone with the help of a family friend. When he called to tell me, I busted out in tears but he assured me it was okay to cry. I love you Uncle Tom.

As I go through this rough time, many happy things are coming up for me as well. I will be planning my wedding with my Aunt Liz in mind. I will just have to argue with myself lol. But I also have another year of Christmas with the Bradley's. They have made me feel so welcome and accepted me for who I am. I love my morning talks with Beth even if its at 2-5 am every night. Jennah will be my maid of honor. I am excited to be more permanent in their family.

 Although the wedding isn't till 2015, I constantly am looking at pinterest. I have been repinning things, saving pages, and even started a guest list for the wedding to get the show on the road. If you can't tell, I am excited to be marrying my best friend. I love you Timothy John Bradley Jr. Forever and Always.

I hope everyone finishes out 2013 alright, and just know, the loved ones who can't be with us today will be watching over us. They are no longer in pain and don't have to live in what this world has become today (in reference to all the shootings). I love you Aunt Liz. Rest in Heaven my angel, 12-15-13.

Frumpy and Lumpy

Not many people are willing to talk about the effects of being obese/overweight/gigantic/clumpy. Well in the past few months, well actually years, I have learned that shopping for clothes becomes harder and harder. Let me tell you, weight is not an easy thing to carry. Is it my fault? Hell yes, but there are other complications in which has caused my weight to spike. How about that birth control? The one that makes your hormones crazy until you even out and your body becomes used to it?  Or how about having asthma and having to take steroids constantly? Those are only little contributors.

Back to clothes. Let me tell you, I used to shop Lane Bryant weekly, if not daily. They had clothes that you could afford, but also clothes that would fit you like a glove. When you are frumpy and obese, you want clothes to fit like a glove in a positive way, NOT where you can see every fat roll or every stretch mark. Ever since Lane Bryant has made a shirt worth $65.00 and skinny jeans $110, I have not been able to find a store that has clothes that fits me well. I am not the type to spend tons of money on clothes, in fact, I have been shopping at Walmart recently and am not ashamed. In the past year or two, Walmart has gotten better with fashion.

I honestly would rather shop online than in store. Kohls has all old lady clothing in store that just doesn't fit my style. BUT when you go online, Kohls has awesome young adult looking clothing. Becareful when you buy pants from there, especially online, always TRY them on! I have 5'3 practically, and I have trouble finding pants in "short" sizes. Hence why I used to shop at Lane Bryant. Sadly, they have become a high end store like Macy's and it just isn't my forte anymore. Another store that has sucky clothing for plus size women is JCPenny's. Let me tell you what pisses me off the most, is feeling secluded from other sections. The plus size in our store is on the 2nd floor. You literally have to take the escalator and elevator to get to the second floor just to find the plus size section. Not only does that hurt my feelings, BUT have the smallest section like the size of my bathroom kills me more.

Okay okay now you're thinking, "well if you're so depressed why don't you do something about it?" well have you ever been depressed? Have you ever wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear from the world? I have. When I was a senior in high school, I was working with a trainer at a gym for an hour almost every day of the week, but I was also taking gym as a prerequisite to graduate. Having gym/work out time for 2 hours a day was amazing, but also made my weight come to a halt. I was starting to build muscle and that is NOT what I wanted to do. Trust me, when each new year comes around, I always talk about what I need to do to lose weight, but never do it, so that is my fault. I am blaming no one but myself. I even got a gym membership that I have used all of once or twice. Well back to my initial post... rant over.

When Maurices was coming to our mall here in Flint, I got so excited. FINALLY a plus size store that was reasonably priced, and wasn't ashamed to have our clothing front and center. In the past few months, I noticed that the front of the store became all skinny people clothing and the plus size magically appeared in the back of the store. Why is that? Because they became ashamed. When they first had their website up, they didn't separate plus size and regular size, but now they do. You know, that little tab that says plus size? Ya, that hurts too. TJ Maxx used to be my go-to-store but now it only has a small tiny rack dedicated to 2x. My store carries maybe 10 different shirts in 2x, that is NOTHING compared to what I need in options. Affordable clothing is my number one problem.

When they took Fashion bug away... I was devastated. I could actually go in with $100 and come out with atleast 3 bags of clothing. Now, $100 gets you no where. Why are plus size so secluded or so expensive? I don't have that answer, and I can say no one does. Stores just go with "policy" which I think is utter crap. Walmart is NOT that bad in clothing if you take care of your stuff. Who is going to really see your clothing and be like "OMG you got that at Walmart?" No one. In the past people have had to ask me where I got my clothing from, but never once stated it like that. They have come a long way for being Walmart, you just have to make sure to take care of the clothing. They aren't cheaply made anymore, but they do come at a cheap price. I actually have about 7 shirts in my closet that are my FAVORITE from Walmart. First, they are comfortable, second, they don't hug my fatness, third, they have lasted for a year or two, longer than my department store clothing.

If you are on a budget, I suggest shopping at Walmart, or ordering online at Kohls, or Avenue.

S.H.E.S

So far this month I haven't posted anything. Between the end of classes and being super busy, I haven't had the time to sit down and just write.

The holidays are tough for me. When I bought the first present, wrapped it and put it under the tree, it brought back a lot of memories from back home in Detroit and Dearborn Heights. I know my father was ridiculous and a huge jerk, he was so incredibly angry around the holidays but that never let my mom and I stop from putting up a tree and lights. Christmas is my favorite.. even if I have terrible memories. My only relief in high school was going to Florida and spending it with my aunt and uncle. They treated me so good! And ya I was spoiled with presents, but that is not why I wanted to go, I wanted to get away from that evil person.

 

I am finally able to relax and be happy. Tim bought us a Christmas tree and we put it up right after Thanksgiving. We went to Bronners and even bought ornaments that we both really liked. I love him for making Christmas easier for me. He has been nothing but supportive (besides with me buying so many gifts!..oops) but it has been fun. This year I was finally able to make it to the Bradley's to put up their tree and make cookies. Sadly I missed it all last year :( but this year I had a lot of fun. We even went to Bay City and watched A Christmas Story at their theater. I had a lot of fun. AND Tim and I had the most wonderful date night. We went and seen the Holiday Pops at the Whiting in Flint and got really dressed up. Beth (Tim's mom) not only colored my hair but she curled it for me :) It looked really amazing. Those are the moments that I will remember forever! 

 

He's honestly the best thing that has even happened to me and I would never do anything stupid to change that! In between my fun with Tim and his family, I also went out with some of the Belleman's and my mother (my family), and it was FUN! I miss my mom a lot but I have learn to accept that she has her life in Roseville and I am officially in Grand Blanc, MI until Tim and I decide where we are going from here. I love that my mom still will follow me on Facebook and still calls!

But while I am having fun and living life, something not acceptable happened. Something that was so intolerable, my heart is still aching. 

A shooting took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conneticut. A man shot his mother (a teacher at the school) before going to this Elementary school and shooting not only those 6 adults, but all of the 20 children you see here. I refuse to mention the shooters name because I refuse to give him any more light even if he did kill himself. How can someone be so sick, to plan out such a thing? The past 5 years have been nothing but filled with psycho's. From the Virginia Tech shooting to this :( It breaks my heart that these children will never see what its like to really live. To first learn how to drive, to be able to go alone with friends to the mall, to turn 18 and 21. I am so grateful that God has given me the opportunity to really live.

The biggest question is "How do we stop the violence?" But can we? Stuff like this has been happening before I was even born. Drugs are illegal in the states and I am sure in other countries, but guns are legal. They are currently trying to make a ban on guns but will that honestly make a difference? If you can find a buyer and get drugs, don't you think that you could find a buyer for guns? It's NOT that hard. Is there really a way to stop the violence? The craziness? Can we find a cure for psycho-ness? 

 

This right here is a photo of a man who did the same thing, but instead with a bomb. Are we going to start putting bans on everything? Require a license to even buy fertilizer? What is that going to do? I don't have the answer obviously, but it makes me think. For the sake of my future children, is having children really worth it? 

Everyone always says things like "don't let that stop you," and "you deserve to be happy, if you want kids, have them." But how do I stop monsters like the shooter and this bomber from getting to them? How do I protect them enough? Love just isn't enough and neither is keeping them cooped up. There is no answer. Praying could potentially protect them, but as I was listening to the radio the other day, they made a solid point. If God was real, wouldn't he have thrown a protective shield around those babies? Wouldn't he have changed the killers mind? Couldn't he have done something? (I know this is a VERY touchy subject, but its my blog and I will touch it if I want to). I guess only time will tell. Only the future will tell me if things will be okay or not. 

I will tell you one thing, I will never take life for granted again. I may go out and have fun but I will always thank God for giving me life and letting me live. We will never know the answer to all of the insanity and the problems, but I will say, finding a solution is highly impossible.

Being Thankful!

I was hesitating writing this post because being thankful only once a year is ridiculous. I am thankful for a lot of things and I have to write it at least once a year. So here it goes.
I am thankful for:

1. My wonderful boyfriend Tim.
• Honestly, after only a year, I was surprised when he said yes to me moving in! I am so thankful that he has been there for me since day one. He sat by me through money troubles, through being sick, through surgery, through a lot more too. I am forever thankful. He has invested so much in me and I with him. I couldn't be where I am at without him. 
2. My mother.
• My mom has always been my best friend, it has been hard without her closer to me but when I call her and hear her voice it is such a relief. I don't know what I would do without her relationship advice, or her advice in general. 
3. My closest aunt and uncle.
• Since day one they have taken care of me, anytime I need something they are always there and just a phone call or an email away. I love my stays with them because its relaxing and fun. And I love their puppies too! I miss them daily and wish I was closer to them as well. 
4. For college.
• I have witnessed half the people I graduated high school with either: never go to college and throw their sports career down the toilet, get addicted to drugs or just... pretty much give up. I on the other hand have invested my "career" in school and try my best to succeed. I know lately I have been "blah" and bored with it, but without school, I would be going no where. 
5. To be alive and to be able to wake up every morning.
• Even though I hate morning's, it is great to be able to live and wake up every morning. 
6. To have a roof over my head and a meal on the table.
• Tim has been wonderful to let me move in. I wouldn't be anywhere if I didn't have him. I am also thankful for him and I cooking meals! We are trying to be healthier and better about the way we eat.
7. To have met Tim's family.
• They treat me like one of their own. Since day one they have been nothing but nice to me! I have been welcomed and it is an amazing feeling.
8. My five senses.
• To be able to taste, feel, see, hear and smell. I know I would be a different person if I didn't have those things, it would be an adjustment if I lost one. I am forever grateful.
9. My wonderful dog Buzz
• Although Buzz is more like our child, he is such a wonderful companion. I love to see that smile on Tim's face when he is around Buzz. He sleeps right between us and even cuddles me when Tim leaves. 
10. Knowing when enough is enough
• I know when I am pushed too far and  not happy. When I need to walk away, I know when it needs to be cut from my life.
11. Being an American.
• Although our country is Trillion's of dollars in debt, I will never forget that I am grateful for being an American. To an extent I am free, but honestly, it is better than half the countries out there. It may not be perfect, but its where I live and where I worship. Freedom and opportunity is another great thing too.
12. All the people in some sort of service: Army, Navy, Police, etc..
• Without these people, where would our country be? We would be in a whole word of trouble and a mess. I am thankful that the Police are there to patrol and protect us here in the U.S. while the army protects our country from nasty places. 
13. Health
• I know this past year I haven't been the healthiest with stress, and surgery and etc.. but at least I am the slightest bit healthy to function every day. 
14. Seasons
• I am grateful to be able to experience each season. Michigan may have one funky mother nature, but at least she gives us a glimpse of each season. If I lived any where else, I wouldn't know what it is like being a Michigander. 
15. Second chances.
• Without being able to get a second chance, I don't know where I would be. So far I have not found one job that I am happy with. I know I have messed up a lot too,so I am grateful to be able to move on and get more than one chance.
16. Thanksgiving break
• A great way to relax my brain is by getting a break from school. I needed this!
17. Positive influences
18. Achievements
• All trough school I have been a great kid. Honor roll, service hours, dean's list, you name it, I am trying.
19. Clean water, fresh food.
• A lot of countries are NOT as lucky as we are. We are lucky to have the sources we need to get clean water and fresh food including fruit, veggies, meat, you name it. 
20. Love
• There is the ability to love all around. People, places, things, it is an amazing thing when your heart melts.
21. Our first Christmas tree
• I haven't owned a big Christmas tree in a long time, my father would never allow it so we had tiny trees growing up. My aunt and uncle in Florida have a nice big tree but I was never there to decorate it :( but now Tim has given me the chance to put up, decorate and be excited for something. 
22. 90's cartoons and movies I grew up with
• Honestly without those I don't know where I would be. I think that is how I learned most of what I know now. I took in the good stuff, not the bad stuff everyone is always talking about. My cartoons were bad ass :)
23. To be alive
• I know I feel as if I am repeating myself, but without being alive, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything, no one would know who I am, and obviously nothing about me would ever exist. I live for today, and I am damn grateful.

I know I could be thankful for a lot more than I have listed, but that is the gist of things :)

My mind goes on, and on, and on, and on...

I am supposed to be in bed right now, but luckily I don't have class tomorrow. My mind is racing a million miles an hour and I just can't sleep. Buzz and Tim are so soundly a sleep and here I am.. wide awake, thinking and watching television. For a long time I pictured living with someone else, especially someone I loved as very different. Not that my situation is bad now, because Tim is absolutely wonderful, but more so, it is different.

I pictured moving in and having things unpacked by now, its been about two weeks since I moved in, and having a place for things to fit. Well that didn't work out. There is absolutely no room in this three story town house. Sad to say, but I had more room in my dorm than he does in this townhouse. Yes, there is room, don't get me wrong but there is NO WHERE TO PUT ANYTHING. I am drowning and living out of boxes at the moment.

I keep saying "oh ya, I will get to it tomorrow" but in reality, what is the point of unpacking if there is no where to put anything? He already had everything that a town house would need, I just added to the chaos. I know, I know, I should be thankful to at least have a place to stay, and I am. I really have no where else to go unless I head to Florida, which I know that would make all my aunt's hair fall out. There's no room for me anywhere but here. I feel so bad for putting Tim in this situation. I feel like he is stuck with me now.

I always try to see the positives to things too, but I am also the type to see the negatives too. When moving in with someone who has also lived alone for a while, it's a huge adjustment. Whose cooking? Whose cleaning? Whose doing dishes? Oh and how about that laundry that has needed to be done for a month? It's all an adjustment. Sharing a car, he's working full time, I go to school "full time", going to bed at a decent time, it all takes time and patience. He is used to his life being messy, unorganized, and going to work then coming home and doing nothing. But I am used to doing homework, cleaning, having organization and going out when I can. It's very, very, different.

^Just saying, but that was not a paragraph with complaint, it was a paragraph of facts. Like I said a few posts back, it's not going to be easy, it's going to be hard and we have to work at it every day, because it's true. Dating, and hanging out, or spending a couple nights here and there is WAYYY different then being in each other's face everyday. Before, I could go back to my apartment and he could go back to his... but now I have to get used to living here too. I have to get used to calling this my home.

I am thankful for so much: Tim, Buzz, having a place to live, being able to share a car and still go to school everyday.

Life is an adjustment, but it's going to work out. I will make sure of that.

The Good Ole Bucket List

After watching the 2007 Bucket List, it gave tons of people the best idea of creating a bucket list. I do recommend you do so. To me it is a fun little thing to make small and big goals. Although this is a list of goals, it is a list of things I want to do before I actually do kick the bucket. I have known too many people that have died young, and I am sure they never once thought their life would end so quickly.My first goal:

1. Finish College

• I have always wanted to go to college and obviously finish. I have put so money into it to NOT finish. I don't exactly have a plan of going to Graduate School, but if it happens, it happens. A Bachelors is my biggest goal right now.

2. Travel around the United States

• This WILL happen! If not with Tim, then with myself. I want to go places and see things. I always watch the Discovery Channel which gives insight on where to go and what to do when you are in certain states. That WILL be me one day, that is a promise. 

3. Bungee Jump off a bridge

• After watching Chasing Liberty a few years back. She goes to Europe and bungee jumps off a bridge, that right there is absolutely my inspiration. Like I said, a bucket list is for big and small things, maybe even stupid things.

4. Sky dive

• Since Tim and I started dating he got this bright idea that he wants to sky dive for his birthday one year. I attempted to get it done this year but it was such short notice I couldn't come up with the money, so for future reference, this too WILL happen. I will probably try to hold on for dear life, but it will be an experience neither of us could forget.

5. Go to the Superbowl

• Obviously not number one on my list, but it is on there. I LOVE the atmosphere at a game, the chanting, the yelling, screaming, even the drunk people as long as they aren't raging drunk. And for that game they better have a bad ass half time show. 

6. Backpack across Europe

• This has always been on my list, it used to be number one, but with all the kidnapping,and danger now a days, it has slowly crept down to the bottom. I do admit I am scared, I heard lots of stories. I know I shouldn't make assumptions of things that would happen to me, but you know what, it happens. Movies scare me, stories scare me, and honestly, you really can't trust anyone you meet.

7. Run a marathon

• Ever since I seen pictures of the Ann Arbor color run, that is a HUGE goal of mine before I kick the bucket. I plan on losing weight and getting in shape. I want to get my asthma under control and finish in the top 10%.

8. End World Hunger

• This is down on my list because I know I can't do it alone. Everyone says that just by donating one can you can do justice, but honestly, how do I know where its going? I have heard so many bad rumors of the food never leaving the United States, which is good because we have starving people here too, but when I am told it is going somewhere I expect it to go somewhere. I have done many volunteering acts to help the less needy, but it never seems to be enough. They are always searching for more help each year and sometimes its more than enough and sometimes its not. 
• I often hear the argument that there is help in the United States but there isn't in other countries. That's crap (just my opinion). UNICEF has been around FOR YEARSSSS! They always have helped different countries. When I was helping (probably when I was 8) it was going to Africa. Do I know if it ever got there? Absolutely not, but we trust people we don't know because it is a great cause. 
• I have always been one to donate food, I am not stingy, if it was the last can on my shelf, I would do what I could to help someone out because there are sources in the United States I could result to getting food.

For now, that is all, but I am sure I will come back and edit it as often as I can. I have too many goals to count (not 1000) but I have enough. 

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.” ― Bill Cosby

Since I started college, I have seen people come and go from my life. Facebook has really been the only way to hold on to my past. At some point, I started adding all the people I graduated with to stay in touch. But what I realized is that I wasn't ready to let go. High school came and went, it seemed to go so slow, but in reality, graduation happened too quick. Half the people I added, I never once hung out with, not once was invited to be part of their little frenzy, nor did I ever want to be part of it. They say that when you graduate you will hold on to true friends. But I found out, I had no true friends. High school was so fake to me and I couldn't wait to get out. All the pettiness, all the back stabbing, the immaturity, I HATED going to school. And yes, I just contradicted myself: graduation came too quick, but yet I hated going to school. Who didn't?

What they also say is that you will miss it. The ONLY thing that I miss about my high school is the pep rallies, the parades, the games, and the idea of being some where other than home for almost 8 hours a day. I also miss not having responsibilities for food, bills, etc..  

Through my entire Middle School, and High School existence  our teachers beat into our heads what colleges look for. State tests (they were the death of me) were given to make sure we were where we were supposed to be. I truly am surprised at the number of people not in college. I don't care what any one says, but I find college debt to be good debt. Good debt? Wtf is that? Well, its something you accomplished. You made it through school. With all the scholarships I have applied for and never received, I have to take out student loans. I have no choice. U of M: Flint is NOT the best place to give out scholarships. In the 3 school years that I have attended, I have received a total of maybe $4, 000 in scholarships. 

Getting back to my original point, my entire news feed is either babies, marriage or at least a proposal or two. When thinking about all that I have in my life, yea, maybe I wish I was married or had a baby, but I am only twenty. I have 10+ years still to have children and honestly I am in no rush. Tim and I are planning on traveling once he gets a new car. Going around the united states and eventually taking a cruise or two. Not saying you can't do all that with a child, but not having that responsibility out weights all of it. I talk to maybe one or two people I went to high school with but not on a regular basis... and guess what? They have babies! It's amazing how acceptable it is to have children before you have a financial background, before you have your life together. I am still figuring out mine, so how could I guide another little human being on theirs? 

I give kudos to all of you who have had children, and made it with little to no money. I seriously do, because honestly I would freak out. Bringing another child into this world is a HUGE responsibility. I want nothing but the best for that kid, (not saying people who have no money don't). I have had a plan since I was ten years old:

1. Finish High school and get my Bachelors
2. Marry the love of my life after College
3. Have a child after I have been married at least 2 years and have found a job
4. Have a house with everything a child may need
5. Finish everything on my bucket list (look for a future post on my bucket list)

Once I reach my goals, then I shall think about children, and how I want to raise them. But until then, I am going to live my life and only worry about myself. I come first, my life comes first, and my responsibilities come first which is obviously finishing college and finding a big girl job.