Keep on Keeping On!

Life truly works in mysterious ways. There are sad days, happy days, mad days, but in the end, were still living right? The whole situation with Emma killed something inside of me. It completely and utterly destroyed me. I have heard about people losing a baby but you never ever think it could happen to you. That right there is a huge awakening to life. It changes your outlook. It makes you more aware. I feel like I have been sleeping these past years until 1. Tim came into my life and 2. Emma Elizabeth Bradley was born. I feel like a breath of fresh air has come into my life. It is truly sad that it takes such an event to occur in your life for you to finally get it, to finally grasp life.

All my life I have struggled with my weight. Every year I would gain at least 10 pounds. I just stopped caring. I stopped caring what society thought of me, I stopped caring what I thought of myself. But then I got pregnant. Being a plus size person while pregnant is truly excruciating. It is painful, it is not really attractive. Watching the scale climb because for once you are SUPPOSED to gain weight. With Emma I had trouble gaining weight because my morning sickness was so bad. Before I could gain my required 20-30 pounds, we lost Emma. I never got a chance to enjoy my pregnancy, to feel beautiful, to "glow" as everyone said. I felt bad. I kept drinking pop while pregnant and you aren't supposed to. I ate fast food and snacked on hot things and fattening things.

Time to change!!!!

I refuse to be this unhealthy anymore. I refuse. I want to be sexy for my husband (sorry if that is TMI). I want to be healthy and feel good about myself. I want to lose weight. I want to eat right and drink nothing but water. I want to be smart when we get pregnant again. No more fast food, no more over eating, no more starving myself, no more sugary foods. I say NO MORE!!!

I refuse to go back to the way I was. This past month has been nothing but amazing. I have more energy. I am much happier with myself. I actually wear shorts! I hate the way my legs look, I hate my arms, I hate my flabby stomach. But working out is something no one can take away. YOU are the only one who can change yourself. To become fit. To lose those pounds. You are the only one who can boost your confidence. Get up and go. 

My next pregnancy will be amazing, better, healthier. I may still be heavy but knowing I am eating right and drinking all the water in the world will make me feel so much better. I am doing this for me. For our future baby, for our marriage and for my husband. He deserves a healthy wife, a fit wife. But our baby deserves a chance, deserves nothing but the best. 

Emotional Rollercoaster

Let me just say that grieving is a huge emotional roller coaster. You just have to ride the ride all the way through without hopping off, or shutting it down. The instant you shut that roller coaster down, you shut yourself out from the entire world. After the loss of Emma in May, my husband and I decided right away to seek a counselor and get the help we needed. Unhealthy thoughts can lead to an unhealthy life, and if you don't know where to begin to channel those thoughts, you could find yourself in some deep trouble.

The first day we seen our counselor, he gave us a packet to read together called "Coping with Grief." It explains to you what grief is, that not all people grieve the same way and to NEVER compare yourself to someone else, and then it goes into reactions. The entire list of emotions defined me. I felt like some how someone had gotten into my head and wrote down exactly how I was feeling. I was taken back by how this list nailed what I was feeling: Sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness, shock, yearning for Emma, numbness. While I was drowning, a week after it happened, I felt like everyone was swimming to the top breathing, splashing each other, laughing and having fun. I absolutely hated myself. I hated myself for not being able to hold Emma in my tummy any longer. For not being able to give my husband the best gift of life like I was supposed to. For doing all the bad things in my pregnancy instead of focusing on being healthy. I drank caffeine daily, I never exercised, I didn't gain a pound like I was supposed to. What kind of mother was I being? I felt like the worst parent in the world.

After so many sessions with the counselor, you learn that it is okay to feel this way. Your thoughts are normal. Your feelings are normal. The reason it felt like someone was in my head was because someone has been in the same situation as me. They may have handled it differently, experienced grief differently, but in the end, when that roller coaster came to a stop, we are ALL THE SAME!

When Tim went back to work, I felt so betrayed. I felt like I was here alone, dealing with the death of our daughter by myself. But he wasn't doing it to hurt me. He had to get back to work at some point and the distraction was a blessing. Tim was here for me through it all. Through my yelling, screaming, kicking, punching, attitude, you name it, God Bless him because I went through it all and sometimes within a matter of seconds. I am still grieving, but in order to live life again, you have to take it day by day.

At one point, I was so pissed off at the world, I was ready to jump ship and run away. First, our plumbing stopped working in the house. Next, we lost Emma for absolutely no reason. Then my car window got bashed in. What is next? How much can one person take before they absolutely can't handle it anymore. I wanted to give up. Throw my hands in the air (haha yes part of a song) and give up! But when Tim said we would try again this year, it gave me all kinds of hope. I want my Rainbow baby. I want our second baby. I want to give Tim a gift of life.

Never will I stop grieving for my daughter. I recently joined three Facebook groups to help me through this tough situation. Not only do the groups help, but they give you hope. The light after the dark. I was talking to a friend one night and she told me how this had happened to someone she knew as well. She told me to go friend her and that is exactly what I did. I talked to her and she had lost her baby girl the week after us. She started a fundraiser for her daughter to buy items in her memory. That got me thinking, I started one for Emma too.

http://www.gofundme.com/a6qjz0

So far, we have raised enough money to get everything we've wanted, but we still want to buy more. We want her surrounding us. Never to be forgotten. My grieving process will never be over. Emma made me a mother, she made Tim a father. We will always be her parents. We will meet again someday and it will be absolutely amazing to hold her once more.

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Sleeping Beauty

My husband had recently received employee of the quarter as his work, and as a reward, we were sent to Chicago for a trip that started our wonderful, but ended in tragedy. On May 15, 2014, our baby girl, Emma Elizabeth Bradley, would be born sleeping, never able to wake, to cry, to move. No one should EVER have to go through such a miserable experience.

What happened: On May 14th, 2014 at around 7pm, I started to feel awful pain and pressure in my stomach. At first, the typical thoughts go through your head: maybe its a bowel movement (sorry if that is TMI) or maybe I ate too much. After dinner, we were supposed to catch a cab to go see a comedy show about 10 minutes away, but instead, my pain progressed to the point I could barely walk. Tim just wanted to get us back to the hotel 3 blocks away from where we were eating dinner. I could barely walk. Cramps began, back pain began. At that time we determined that our best bet was to head to the hospital about 5 blocks away in a CAB of course.

In Emergency, they asked me to change into a gown, and go ahead and give them a urine sample. At that time I discovered an immense amount of blood on me, and on the floor. Instantly, I started to cry. There shouldn't be that much blood when you are 21 weeks pregnant! After they did an exam, they determined that my water was outside of my cervix and it was ready to burst. The doctor blatantly stated "sorry, but this pregnancy will not be going on any longer." Tim and I started crying. We were shaking in fear. Our first baby, our first experience in that department. Being in too much pain to ask questions sends you into a worse misery. All I wanted to ask was:

- Will our baby be okay?
- Can we put her in NICU?
- Can she survive if we deliver her and fly us to Michigan to a childrens hospital?

My fear progressed but so did my pain. Tim was trying to call my mom, as well as his parents to let them know what was going on. Not only that but the nurse was trying to get more information from him. I felt so bad. I couldn't even tell them my name it was so bad.

After about an hour in Emergency, they were sending me up to labor and delivery. Immediately they asked if I wanted an Epidural. Thank the lord for that. My pain soon stopped, and I couldn't feel anything. I didn't want to feel anything. All I could keep saying is "this isn't supposed to be happening!"... "my baby girl is healthy!" After another hour, they stated that my water was now coming down the canal. They would like it to stay intact so that we could get the baby out easier. It took two seconds, and I felt a "pop"... Emma was born sleeping. She didn't cry. She didn't fuss. She was so peaceful.

You're asked before the birth if you want to see or hold your baby even though she wouldn't be born alive. I couldn't. Not that night. Although I regret it now, at that time I couldn't have handled it. My nerves were shot. I couldn't drink. I couldn't eat. I was sick to my stomach. Looking at that curtain, knowing my baby girl was behind it when she should be in my belly, was the worst torture anyone could endure. Tim held her and seen her. He was brave. He stated that she was small (she was born 13oz, and 10 1/4 inches). Her eyelids were still sealed. But he claimed she was perfect. The hospital takes pictures and keeps them pretty much forever. 30 years down the line, I could call the hospital and retrieve those photos if I wished.

My heart hurts every day. My stomach feels empty. My boobs are full of milk (sorry another TMI). But there is no baby to hold, no baby to feed, no baby to hear cry. Something inside of me died that night. Rather it be part of my soul, or even my heart. I can't stand to see children on TV. I have hidden all of my friends baby and childrens pictures. I can't handle seeing them right now. I asked the counselor if that is selfish, but he stated that it is all about grieving. I have to grieve how ever I see possible. If that means deleting photos of babies, then so be it. If that means deleting people off Facebook, then so be it. The stores are the hardest. How can you not be sad when you see a family of 4, with parents that can hardly stand taking their children to the store? It breaks my heart.

Not only am I dealing with grief, I am dealing with finding out who truly is there for me. Most people ask what happened and then never talk to me again. Most people say sorry, and that is enough for me. Not knowing what to say when you lose an innocent life is perfectly normal. I have my family and Tim's family that have been very supportive. Then I have a few select people that have actually asked how I am (sadly I can count on one hand). I thank the people who have been there for me. Who put up with my depressing posts. It is really hard to be "happy" right now. I may get out of bed and try to put a smile on, but in reality, if it wasn't for my husband, and my two amazing puppies, I would be living in bed. The walls of this house is like my sanctuary. I am protected from the outside world in here. Protected from the harsh but innocent words of other individuals.

To go from not only picking out your babies name, to falling in love with the growing child inside of you, to buying clothes and items your baby would need, to having nothing is the sadest thing I will ever go through with my husband. You picture a baby playing in the yard with your dogs, or even on a swing set. You picture holding and feeding and playing. You picture your babies nursery. But now, I will never know what Emma would have grown into. I will never experience her firsts. I will never see her laugh. Her personality. Who she looks like more. Would she have had curly or straight hair? Would she have hazel eyes? Those are the things that make you fall in love more and more with your baby, the life growing inside of your belly.

We love you Emma Elizabeth. More than you will ever get to know. We will never forget you, and we will display what we have left of you, especially love.

Hello 2014 :)

January has come and gone, it felt like just yesterday we were celebrating the new year. Welcome 2014! This year has so many things in store for Tim and I. As you know, we got engaged in November of 2013, and set a wedding date of August 2015. But on Tuesday, January 21st, we found out some very exciting news, were expecting! My reaction was scared because I know Tim didn't want a baby right away, he wanted to be married for at least two years and then start a family. Apparently, there are other things in the works for us because 2015 isn't even an option anymore. Maybe in the future we will have a big extravagant wedding so everyone can attend, but for right now, we are content with our life.

Meet Baby B :)

Thank god that Tim is more excited than I expected. Because of that, we decided to do a court house wedding. It wasn't to be selfish, or to exclude anyone from the picture, it was for us and for the baby. The baby deserves nothing but the best, and that includes permanence in it's parent's lives. Baby B also deserves to have the best health insurance in the entire world, and Tim's work provides exactly what we need. We love each other so much and talk about Baby B on a daily basis. My new thing is telling Tim that "the baby and I are so proud of you, we love you!" just to keep encouraging him and letting him know everything will be alright. 

Yes, the date is wrong. The doctor assumed we were 10 weeks along, when we were only 6 weeks. Baby coming September 2014.

On the other hand, I got to marry my best friend on January 31st, 2014. That right there was the best experience I have ever gone through! 

As soon as we started saying our vows, Tim started tearing up, his mom was right behind him and she was crying so of course the hormonal one has to start crying. We had an amazing time. I am very grateful that our immediate family could attend: My mother, grandma,my brother, Tim's mom, Dad, sister and her boyfriend, my Aunt Liz was there by a picture of my Uncle Tom and her, as well as her pearls. I miss you. It was a very last minute thing and nothing was going right on the day of the wedding. In the end, we said I do, and I proudly became Mrs. Timothy Bradley Jr. I am so in love and he and this baby keep me going every day. 

Another plus to add to our lives is a house! Tim is working very hard to get us a house so we can have room for the baby. Our neighbors currently are very loud and very disgusting. They smoke in their basement, they put nasty stuff down the disposal that comes into our apartment. All around, we want a better environment for the baby, and a house is just that. When the bank accepted our offer, it was the day of our first ultrasound! We were ecstatic. Now it's just the long things we have to go through, Mortgage, appraisal, walk through, well check, there's a lot going into it, but its all for us and the baby as a family. We can not wait to move out of here. The biggest problem with paying so much rent is we will never own this place, we won't have a home to call home. It is just time for us to get a house.

I am so proud of Tim for everything he stands for and his work ethic. While I am going part time to school until the baby is born, he is by my side every step of the way. He stopped buying things I can't eat, and can't stand to smell. He is an amazing husband! Thanks for choosing me babe. I love you. 

*Plus to being married, I will have the same last name as the baby when it's born :) so ecstatic!" 

As this year comes to an end...

As this year comes to an end, it is bittersweet. I am grateful for everything I was able to experience such as: more Red Wings games, Spring Break in Florida, Summer trip to Grand Haven, MI, two years with my boyfriend who turned into my Fiance. I learned from different experiences and am ready to start a new year. But as this year is coming to a close, I am depressed, depressed because the one person who mean't the most to me, outside of immediate family passed away.

As I look on the past year, I feel as if I have grown and my personality has shown more. Tim and I have had so many good things come into our life and we are forever grateful. That time together, living together, being together and learning to grow together, we got engaged! It was on November 22nd, 2013 right as we were done eating dinner. I was extremely surprised.

He makes me the happiest woman in the world. He has been patient with me through all my tough times, through my impatience and immaturity. He is the one that I have always wanted and more. I can not wait to become Mrs. Bradley Jr. :) I am so in love with him and each day just gets better and better. I went to my first Red Wings game with this guy, went to my first Spring Training for the Tigers in Florida, Experienced our first Pistons game together. So many things just make a relationship stronger. People often forget that in order to grow together, you have to continuously reconnect.

But on November 22nd, Tim and I were at the aquarium in Chicago and while we were there, I would get my last phone call from the best aunt in the world. We talked and laughed and I will never forget that. I know she was out of it because she just kept talking and talking, but it was so good to hear her voice. When the conversation came to an end, I asked if I could call her back, but she had stated that she was going to be sleeping, so not to even bother. I had sent her pictures of our engagement and this is what I received back:

She actually had the strength to text me, even though I didn't exactly understand it, it means more to me than anyone will ever know. To know that even through everything that was happening to her, she was able to make jokes with me. We had this inside joke about lime green. Back when she was buying me clothes for my sixth grade year in middle school, I found an all lime green outfit and she hated it. She bought me a lime green scarf the next year and wanted me to send it to her. Sadly, before I could, the end came.

I will always love her. She taught me morals, she taught me how to be me and make decisions for myself. We used to walk in a store, she told me to pick something but I could be there for a year because I didn't know how to decide for myself. I let my parents make all the decisions for me until I was mature enough and I thank Aunt Liz every day for coming in my life. She spoiled the hell out of me and I am forever grateful for that too. I mean this woman had Uncle Tom buy me a laptop, told me it was going to be a small Christmas, but still went out and bought me a kindle fire. That is my loving, caring, crazy aunt. I will miss you. I will miss our laughs and our struggles. I already miss you yelling at me for posting things on Facebook. I love you. I am glad you are no longer in pain and you can finally rest easy.

I am so proud of my Uncle Tom. He is one of the strongest people I know. She didn't go through it alone, he was right along side of her and never left. I am proud of him for being in Florida and being strong to go through it alone with the help of a family friend. When he called to tell me, I busted out in tears but he assured me it was okay to cry. I love you Uncle Tom.

As I go through this rough time, many happy things are coming up for me as well. I will be planning my wedding with my Aunt Liz in mind. I will just have to argue with myself lol. But I also have another year of Christmas with the Bradley's. They have made me feel so welcome and accepted me for who I am. I love my morning talks with Beth even if its at 2-5 am every night. Jennah will be my maid of honor. I am excited to be more permanent in their family.

 Although the wedding isn't till 2015, I constantly am looking at pinterest. I have been repinning things, saving pages, and even started a guest list for the wedding to get the show on the road. If you can't tell, I am excited to be marrying my best friend. I love you Timothy John Bradley Jr. Forever and Always.

I hope everyone finishes out 2013 alright, and just know, the loved ones who can't be with us today will be watching over us. They are no longer in pain and don't have to live in what this world has become today (in reference to all the shootings). I love you Aunt Liz. Rest in Heaven my angel, 12-15-13.

Frumpy and Lumpy

Not many people are willing to talk about the effects of being obese/overweight/gigantic/clumpy. Well in the past few months, well actually years, I have learned that shopping for clothes becomes harder and harder. Let me tell you, weight is not an easy thing to carry. Is it my fault? Hell yes, but there are other complications in which has caused my weight to spike. How about that birth control? The one that makes your hormones crazy until you even out and your body becomes used to it?  Or how about having asthma and having to take steroids constantly? Those are only little contributors.

Back to clothes. Let me tell you, I used to shop Lane Bryant weekly, if not daily. They had clothes that you could afford, but also clothes that would fit you like a glove. When you are frumpy and obese, you want clothes to fit like a glove in a positive way, NOT where you can see every fat roll or every stretch mark. Ever since Lane Bryant has made a shirt worth $65.00 and skinny jeans $110, I have not been able to find a store that has clothes that fits me well. I am not the type to spend tons of money on clothes, in fact, I have been shopping at Walmart recently and am not ashamed. In the past year or two, Walmart has gotten better with fashion.

I honestly would rather shop online than in store. Kohls has all old lady clothing in store that just doesn't fit my style. BUT when you go online, Kohls has awesome young adult looking clothing. Becareful when you buy pants from there, especially online, always TRY them on! I have 5'3 practically, and I have trouble finding pants in "short" sizes. Hence why I used to shop at Lane Bryant. Sadly, they have become a high end store like Macy's and it just isn't my forte anymore. Another store that has sucky clothing for plus size women is JCPenny's. Let me tell you what pisses me off the most, is feeling secluded from other sections. The plus size in our store is on the 2nd floor. You literally have to take the escalator and elevator to get to the second floor just to find the plus size section. Not only does that hurt my feelings, BUT have the smallest section like the size of my bathroom kills me more.

Okay okay now you're thinking, "well if you're so depressed why don't you do something about it?" well have you ever been depressed? Have you ever wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear from the world? I have. When I was a senior in high school, I was working with a trainer at a gym for an hour almost every day of the week, but I was also taking gym as a prerequisite to graduate. Having gym/work out time for 2 hours a day was amazing, but also made my weight come to a halt. I was starting to build muscle and that is NOT what I wanted to do. Trust me, when each new year comes around, I always talk about what I need to do to lose weight, but never do it, so that is my fault. I am blaming no one but myself. I even got a gym membership that I have used all of once or twice. Well back to my initial post... rant over.

When Maurices was coming to our mall here in Flint, I got so excited. FINALLY a plus size store that was reasonably priced, and wasn't ashamed to have our clothing front and center. In the past few months, I noticed that the front of the store became all skinny people clothing and the plus size magically appeared in the back of the store. Why is that? Because they became ashamed. When they first had their website up, they didn't separate plus size and regular size, but now they do. You know, that little tab that says plus size? Ya, that hurts too. TJ Maxx used to be my go-to-store but now it only has a small tiny rack dedicated to 2x. My store carries maybe 10 different shirts in 2x, that is NOTHING compared to what I need in options. Affordable clothing is my number one problem.

When they took Fashion bug away... I was devastated. I could actually go in with $100 and come out with atleast 3 bags of clothing. Now, $100 gets you no where. Why are plus size so secluded or so expensive? I don't have that answer, and I can say no one does. Stores just go with "policy" which I think is utter crap. Walmart is NOT that bad in clothing if you take care of your stuff. Who is going to really see your clothing and be like "OMG you got that at Walmart?" No one. In the past people have had to ask me where I got my clothing from, but never once stated it like that. They have come a long way for being Walmart, you just have to make sure to take care of the clothing. They aren't cheaply made anymore, but they do come at a cheap price. I actually have about 7 shirts in my closet that are my FAVORITE from Walmart. First, they are comfortable, second, they don't hug my fatness, third, they have lasted for a year or two, longer than my department store clothing.

If you are on a budget, I suggest shopping at Walmart, or ordering online at Kohls, or Avenue.

S.H.E.S

So far this month I haven't posted anything. Between the end of classes and being super busy, I haven't had the time to sit down and just write.

The holidays are tough for me. When I bought the first present, wrapped it and put it under the tree, it brought back a lot of memories from back home in Detroit and Dearborn Heights. I know my father was ridiculous and a huge jerk, he was so incredibly angry around the holidays but that never let my mom and I stop from putting up a tree and lights. Christmas is my favorite.. even if I have terrible memories. My only relief in high school was going to Florida and spending it with my aunt and uncle. They treated me so good! And ya I was spoiled with presents, but that is not why I wanted to go, I wanted to get away from that evil person.

 

I am finally able to relax and be happy. Tim bought us a Christmas tree and we put it up right after Thanksgiving. We went to Bronners and even bought ornaments that we both really liked. I love him for making Christmas easier for me. He has been nothing but supportive (besides with me buying so many gifts!..oops) but it has been fun. This year I was finally able to make it to the Bradley's to put up their tree and make cookies. Sadly I missed it all last year :( but this year I had a lot of fun. We even went to Bay City and watched A Christmas Story at their theater. I had a lot of fun. AND Tim and I had the most wonderful date night. We went and seen the Holiday Pops at the Whiting in Flint and got really dressed up. Beth (Tim's mom) not only colored my hair but she curled it for me :) It looked really amazing. Those are the moments that I will remember forever! 

 

He's honestly the best thing that has even happened to me and I would never do anything stupid to change that! In between my fun with Tim and his family, I also went out with some of the Belleman's and my mother (my family), and it was FUN! I miss my mom a lot but I have learn to accept that she has her life in Roseville and I am officially in Grand Blanc, MI until Tim and I decide where we are going from here. I love that my mom still will follow me on Facebook and still calls!

But while I am having fun and living life, something not acceptable happened. Something that was so intolerable, my heart is still aching. 

A shooting took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conneticut. A man shot his mother (a teacher at the school) before going to this Elementary school and shooting not only those 6 adults, but all of the 20 children you see here. I refuse to mention the shooters name because I refuse to give him any more light even if he did kill himself. How can someone be so sick, to plan out such a thing? The past 5 years have been nothing but filled with psycho's. From the Virginia Tech shooting to this :( It breaks my heart that these children will never see what its like to really live. To first learn how to drive, to be able to go alone with friends to the mall, to turn 18 and 21. I am so grateful that God has given me the opportunity to really live.

The biggest question is "How do we stop the violence?" But can we? Stuff like this has been happening before I was even born. Drugs are illegal in the states and I am sure in other countries, but guns are legal. They are currently trying to make a ban on guns but will that honestly make a difference? If you can find a buyer and get drugs, don't you think that you could find a buyer for guns? It's NOT that hard. Is there really a way to stop the violence? The craziness? Can we find a cure for psycho-ness? 

 

This right here is a photo of a man who did the same thing, but instead with a bomb. Are we going to start putting bans on everything? Require a license to even buy fertilizer? What is that going to do? I don't have the answer obviously, but it makes me think. For the sake of my future children, is having children really worth it? 

Everyone always says things like "don't let that stop you," and "you deserve to be happy, if you want kids, have them." But how do I stop monsters like the shooter and this bomber from getting to them? How do I protect them enough? Love just isn't enough and neither is keeping them cooped up. There is no answer. Praying could potentially protect them, but as I was listening to the radio the other day, they made a solid point. If God was real, wouldn't he have thrown a protective shield around those babies? Wouldn't he have changed the killers mind? Couldn't he have done something? (I know this is a VERY touchy subject, but its my blog and I will touch it if I want to). I guess only time will tell. Only the future will tell me if things will be okay or not. 

I will tell you one thing, I will never take life for granted again. I may go out and have fun but I will always thank God for giving me life and letting me live. We will never know the answer to all of the insanity and the problems, but I will say, finding a solution is highly impossible.